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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Stay with unloving hubby, or leave with loving boyfriend?

Sulaiman Kamal | 5:44 PM | | | | Best Blogger Tips

Do You Like This Story?

I AM 48, living in Kuala Lumpur and married with two children – who introduced me to a free gaming website in June 2008. I got hooked instantly; it’s a relaxing and fun way to pass time in between my commitments as a housewife.

I made lots of friends of different nationalities and exchanged contact information with a few of them, mostly males. I knew these men just wanted to have a fling with me, or are looking for a potential girlfriend. But one guy stood out.

X is 30, single and from Singapore. Even after I revealed my age and marital status, he continued to chat and play games with me online. Then we exchanged phone numbers.

After a few calls, X expressed his desire to be my lover. He said he wouldn’t mind being my “mistress” and hoped to “present” his virginity to me.

He understood that I love my family and will not leave them. We agreed to keep our relationship a secret.

X called almost daily and we chatted about everything. Unlike other men I’ve contacted over the phone before, he’s not just concerned about meeting me for sex, but wanted to know about my health and feelings.

I began sharing my past, my secrets and everything that he asked. His phone bill came up to almost S$3,000 (RM6,900) monthly, but he never cut down on the frequency of his calls.

We finally met face to face after four months of only speaking on the phone or chatting online, and he held my hand almost instantly.

After passionate love-making, he doesn’t turn his back on me like my husband does or former boyfriends did.

We’ve managed to meet a few more times and he is more loving each time. He sent me cards on special occasions, bought me medicine, gave me presents and nice things to eat, and money to pamper myself with. X really made me feel special, something I’ve never experienced in my life before.

When I just got to know X, my hubby was working in Penang and would only come back on weekends. He is hot-tempered, unromantic and self-centred. His only good point is his commitment to bringing home the bacon.

He says it’s my responsibility to raise our children and do the housework, and that I should never talk back to him.

For the past 20-odd years, I devoted myself to his requests. I gave him sex, made his meals and showed him affection.

Last year my husband resigned from a good position and was jobless for five months. Somehow, we managed to get by and I never thought of leaving him.

He withdrew all his EPF money early and used it to set up a business. I’ve never received a single sen from him for myself and I don’t have much savings.

Whenever I ask him for money, he gives all sorts of excuses. He asks me to help out in his shop, but I’m not paid and I don’t get any days off.

I’ve sacrificed so much for the family, but all I get in return are endless complaints that I am not a good wife and mother.

I feel unappreciated and worried about our future – what if his business doesn’t pick up soon?

X listens to my problems and has offered solutions. He says I should divorce my husband and marry him.

X doesn’t mind our age gap. But I’m afraid of the uncertainties; if we marry, how will people judge us?

Honestly, I have no more love for my husband; X is the only one I love now. But I cannot let go of my children and I don’t wish the family to break apart because of my selfishness.

Am I undeserving of better treatment from my husband? X is still devoted to me after one-and-a-half years. When I told him to find a single lady to marry, he got angry and said he would rather die than do that as he wants only me as his wife.

Many women would love to marry X. I have nothing to offer him and I can’t help but wonder why he is so attached to me despite the many eligible and younger ladies around him. And I am afraid of losing X; he’s a really good man who knows how to treat me well.

I am bound by my duties as a wife and mother. What should/can I do to make my husband treat me better? How can I be fairer to X while keeping my family intact? Is there any way to make everyone happy?

Helpless Me

HOW can you hope to make everyone happy when you are not? You feel trapped in a miserable marriage but are too afraid to consider divorce. You fear losing the kids, but the idea of marrying your lover tugs at your heartstrings.

Picking out the worst points about your husband will not make you feel better. You feel pressured by guilt and shame to hang on to your marriage although you continue to justify your affair.

Surely you would be a happier wife if your husband treated you better? And if you had a good marriage, you would not be tempted to have an affair, right?

Yet you do not really want to lose X because he makes you feel loved, cherished and pampered. Perhaps if he were not so much younger, you would consider running off with him?

You are in an unenviable situation, but unfortunately, you cannot have it all. Keeping X in your life will eventually complicate matters should the affair be exposed. You are fully aware that you stand to lose almost all that you have now – children, husband and esteem.

Deep in your heart and mind, you probably worry whether X will really marry you. An 18-year age gap may be acceptable to him now but will he see you with different eyes as you grow older?

Instead of getting deeper into the dilemma, think of your marriage and your affair separately. Will you divorce your husband if you did not have a lover?

Although he is hot-tempered and unromantic, he has always been a responsible husband and father. His expectations of you as wife and mother are traditional and not unreasonable.

Perhaps he fails as a husband only because he has always been too busy trying to eke out a living and never has time for you.

He does not know how to show love or tenderness – perhaps because it is not his nature to do so. But in his heart, he probably loves and cares for you.

You are a lonely wife who feels emotionally neglected and unappreciated. When your husband was away, you were tasked with duties and responsibilities. Now that he is back, you feel used, like unpaid labour.

There is no joy between husband and wife because your man expects you to be subservient, obedient and dutiful.

In his mind, a wife should be understanding and quietly supportive while you would like him to talk to you, show that he loves and cares about you. It is not the perfect marriage.

The affair is exciting and flattering. Finally, you have found someone who seems to truly care about you.

Sex is wonderful because you do not feel used and abused. And you cannot help but compare because while your husband is taciturn and distant, your lover is sweet, tender and thoughtful. He is always sensitive to your needs, thinks of you, and wants to marry only you.

Throwing away the old life may not promise a huge change as relationships always settle into routine and complacency. If you want to do it for yourself, do so.

But do not regret or blame anyone should you feel disappointed. There are women who are happier when they have love. Some would rather have their children to warm their hearts. It’s your choice, your decision.

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