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Sunday, April 15, 2012

AdilanClub : Seven sex mistakes men make Part 2

Sulaiman Kamal | 9:17 AM | | Best Blogger Tips

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Men can also be clueless about timing.

"Very often I hear women complaining that, ‘My partner tries to initiate sex at the absolute wrong times, always,'" Taormino says.

There's an easy fix for that, she says: "People let us know what they want all the time. I think we just have to pay attention."

A woman may literally tell you what she wants to do at various times of the day, Taormino says. If she doesn't mention sex, that might be a cue to wait.

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Men also have to remember that most women need more time than men to become aroused.

"Men can get aroused quickly and get on their way," Taormino says. But for many women, the right time for sex would be when she isn't rushed.

Sex mistake no. 4: The 'get it done' mind-set

Men tend to think of sex like a mission. They break it down into steps -- erection, foreplay, penetration -- aimed at achieving a main objective: orgasm.

That can be a mistake for a couple of reasons. One is that a whole world of sexual experience exists beyond the genitals.

"Our entire body can be utilized as erotic," Donaghue says. "Look at the whole body as a map, and conquer all the territory."

"I know women who can have an orgasm from having their nipples played with," Taormino says. "There are women who love to kiss and make out.

All of that is part of sex."

Another reason why it's a mistake to focus solely on orgasm is sometimes it doesn't happen -- even for men. At those times, people can end up feeling bad about sex that may have been good in other ways.

Taormino says some men get upset if they can't give a woman an orgasm.

"I hear from women a lot that they're already putting pressure on themselves to have an orgasm, and there's an added layer from their partner," Taormino says.

The women may say it's OK -- that they still enjoy sex without orgasm, and don't need to have one every time.

"But these guys don't believe them," Taormino says, because they're locked in a goal-oriented mind-set. Their attitude is, "Get those sales statistics up! Get that orgasm done!"

Donaghue says sex should be thought of as a circular process, like a merry-go-round that you can step on and off whenever you like. "There is no goal," he says. "There's no such thing as ‘not finishing' or failure."

Sex mistake no. 5: 'I'm all she needs'

Many women are interested in using, or have used, sex toys.

"Sex toys [represent] a place where men's egos can really get in the way, and be bruised way too easily," Taormino says.

A man may feel threatened by a woman's use of sex toys if he believes his own body parts should be enough to satisfy her. Taormino says men who reject sex toys "walk away from a really big opportunity to broaden their partner's pleasure."

A vibrator can deliver focused, consistent, intense stimulation that's impossible for a human to provide. Many women need that kind stimulation to have an orgasm.

"That's OK," Taormino says. "It doesn't mean she's broken. It doesn't mean she's strange."

"Bringing toys into sex play, and making toys a couples activity, is really the new paradigm today," Britton says. There are also sex toys that can stimulate both partners at the same time. "Embrace it, get used to it, and go along for the ride, literally."

Sex mistake no. 6: Ringing the doorbell

Most guys have a general idea of what the clitoris is and where to find it. But many don't know all there is to it.

"The clitoris is not this tiny button on the outside of the body, which is what most people think it is," Taormino says.

The clitoris is often described as being wishbone shaped, and much of it is internal.

The glans of the clitoris is the little "button" that you can see peeking out from the clitoral hood, at the 12 o'clock position on the vulva. The body of the clitoris extends under the clitoral hood, then bends back and branches into two "legs" behind the labia.

Below the legs are two bulbs of tissue that surround the urethra and vagina. The entire clitoris is tissue that, like a man's penis, swells with blood when a woman becomes aroused.

The whole body of the clitoris, not just the glans, is packed with nerves and highly sensitive. For many women, the glans is actually too sensitive to touch.

"Plenty of women don't want stimulation directly on the glans, like you're ringing a doorbell," Taormino says. Instead, they prefer stimulation on the internal body of the clitoris. Other women prefer indirect pressure or vibration that stimulates the clitoris through other areas of the vulva.

The majority of women need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. And most women are not able to have an orgasm by vaginal sex alone. "Penile-vaginal sex is an inefficient means of producing a female orgasm. That's what an engineer would say," Britton says.

Sex mistake no. 7: Compare and despair

Many guys have unrealistic beliefs about how often they should be having sex, based on what they believe other people are doing. That can make them feel bad about themselves and unhappy in a relationship.

"They compare themselves to their peers, and they are convinced that everyone around them is having more sex, and better sex, than they are," Taormino says. "It's just not true."

There is no correct amount of sex to have, or even what you might call a norm.

Results from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, published in 2010 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, show that how often men have sex varies greatly by their age and relationship status.

For example, the survey shows that 33% of U.S. men aged 25-29 have vaginal intercourse two times a week or more. But there are big differences between single, married, and partnered (but not married) men in that age group:

Single: 4% have vaginal sex at least twice a week

Partnered: 33%

Married: 43%

Don't jump to the conclusion that married men have the most sex of all, however. Here again are percentages of married men that have vaginal sex at least twice a week, by age group:

Age 25-29: 43%

Age 30-39: 33%

Age 40-49: 24%

Age 50-59: 16%

Age 60-69: 10%

With each passing decade, starting at age 30, married men tend to have sex less frequently. But does that mean that their sex lives get worse over time?

How often you have sex may have little to do with how satisfied you are sexually, Taormino says.

"People say, 'We have sex a lot,' or, 'We only have a little.' But when I probe further, what constitutes a lot or a little is wildly different," she says.

And what you consider "a lot" or "a little" can change over time. Having sex twice a week might seem like a lot to you when you're single, and not so much when you're a newlywed. Once you have kids and 10 years of marriage under your belt, it might seem like a lot again.

"We need to change our expectations and reframe how we think about this," Taormino says. "You've got to acknowledge that people change, the dynamic will change, and be OK with that."

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