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Sunday, April 15, 2012

AdilanClub : Seven sex mistakes men make Part 1

Sulaiman Kamal | 8:47 AM | | Best Blogger Tips

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Imagine you're learning to drive a car for the first time. Someone gives you the vehicle owner's manual to read, and then hands you the keys.

If drivers were trained that way, no one would be safe on the road.

But it's a lot like how most guys learn about sex. You're taught the basic facts of life, then turned loose to puzzle out your partners' sexuality, and your own, by trial and error.

Experience is useful, but it isn't everything. Even guys who've had a lot of sexual experience with women still make mistakes that could be avoided with better knowledge.


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So you don’t have to learn the hard way, WebMD asked three well-known sex educators to tell us what they think are the most common sex mistakes men make with women.

Tristan Taormino is an author, lecturer, and video producer. Her latest book is The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation.

Patti Britton, PhD, MPH, is a clinical sexologist practicing in Los Angeles, past president of the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), and associate professor of sexology with the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

Chris Donaghue is a sex therapist and educator in Los Angeles and host of Bad Sex, a reality TV series on Logo.

Sex mistake no.1: 'I know how to please a woman'

Men often assume that the way they've learned to please one woman works for all women. Not so.

"With every sexual partner you have, you do gain a growing body of knowledge of female bodies and female pleasure," Taormino tells WebMD. "But women's sexuality is complicated, and it's really individual."

Every woman's body responds in different ways to sensation, and every woman's anatomy is a little different. What feels amazing to one may do nothing -- or even cause discomfort -- for another.

"That is the detective work you need to do each and every time," Britton says. "We really each have a sexual fingerprint."

When it comes to intercourse, one key variable is your thrusting technique: Does she like it fast or slow? Deep or shallow? Or does she like to mix it up -- slow and shallow at first, and then fast and deep?

Also, no one sex position is every woman's favorite. She may prefer a certain sex position for several reasons. Different positions allow various angles of penetration, depending not only on her anatomy, but also the size and shape of your penis. Differences between partners' body shape and height may make some positions better than others. And for some women, it's important to have face-to-face intimacy during intercourse.

"I talk to tons of women who say, ‘I know missionary gets a bad rap, but I really like it.' Others say, ‘It's got to be from behind,'" Taormino says. "People are really across the board when it comes to positions."

Sex mistake no. 2: "Let's (not) talk about sex"

Donaghue tells WebMD that most couples he counsels for sexual problems don't talk to each other about sex. Often that's because they don't have the words. He says many of them don't know, or aren't comfortable using correct terms. For example, a guy might say "vagina" when he means the vulva. He may talk about "doing it," though it's not always clear what "it" is: Vaginal intercourse? Cunnilingus? Fellatio?

"A lot of work initially is just getting them comfortable with those words," Donaghue says.

Taormino says if it's hard for your partner to say what she wants sexually, try asking specific, instead of open-ended, questions. "What do you like?" is an open-ended question that often won't elicit a useful answer.

"Do one thing, then do another thing -- and then say, 'Which do you like better?'" Taormino says. "It's like a multiple-choice question. They don't have to write an essay. They just have to pick A or B."

Many men are not only hesitant to talk about sex, but they also think they should keep quiet during sex. Usually that's not a good thing.

"There are far too many people having sex in silence …" Taormino says.

She says couples should give each other verbal cues during sex. "In my sex-ed videos, I really like them to talk to each other and ask each other what they want."

She suggests using neutral prompts like, "harder," "slower," or "right there." (Same as directions you'd give to someone scratching your back.)

"Give really basic, clear information. You don't have to be a sort of master dirty talker," she says.

Dirty talk can be fun, too, Britton says, "if everyone's on the same page about it." And if you don't like talking dirty, you can still talk sexy without being lewd.

"Telling her you want her can be highly arousing and get great results," Britton says. "But say, ‘I want you,' and not, ‘I want it.' That's the secret."

What's more, Britton says men should not hold back moans, grunts, and sighs. "Sounds of sex are sexy, and a turn-on," she says. Making those noises can help both partners get into the experience more fully.

Sex mistake no. 3: Taking it out of context

Often men forget that sex doesn't happen in a vacuum. A man may wonder why he's unhappy with the sex he's having, and not connect that with how he and his partner are getting along.

"You can't take sex out of the couple, and you can't take the couple out of the sex," Donaghue says. "When you have sex, all of your relationship issues are showing up."

A woman may not open up sexually with a partner if she doesn't feel safe emotionally with him. "For many women it takes a feeling of being vulnerable to let herself be explored," Britton says.

Your recent behavior follows you into bed with a woman, too. "She's still thinking about how you've been the week before, the day before, the hour before," Donaghue says. "Foreplay begins the week before, when you take the trash out."


To be continue.......
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